Reckless Abandon

UGH

2007-10-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

after an odd turn of events & being migraine-free for about a month for NO reason whatsoever(incredible nonetheless), out of nowhere i wake up on saturday with a sick feeling of one coming on. getting out of bed & going out to take my mind off things did nothing. what was worse was we had my best friend flying in that evening to throw my bridal shower. over the course of the day i downed 4 extra strength tylenol & about 4 codeine (which i stole from my fiance)...nothing took the edge off and i was dedicated to staying off imitrex. i went to bed after having about 3 baths, 2 induced massages of my neck & spine and a bunch of mint and teas...it really sucks having someone come over that you love & having to stay keeled over and mumbling to talk to them in the worst pain imaginable.

so i woke up the day of the shower and it was back. i have no idea how i slept through the night. i did the whole tylenol/codeine thing again & got a de-caf coffee from timothy's to try and trick my brain into recovery...after about a 3 hour nap with my fiance (we were both dead tired & stressed for medical reasons) i got the knock on my door to be taken to the shower. dad & fiance spent the day together while i was with the ladies...ended up having a great time but wished i didn't have to dodge all my usual favourite decadent foods. held my own though...which i was very proud of.

went to dinner with fiance, mom, dad & sister and had a bland and small enough meal to finish. it was comforting eating comfort food with my parents who i haven't seen in 10 months...got home & went to bed around 9 and woke up the next morning fine enough...

no idea where that came from...but it was mixed with the flu...horrible!

the latest dream that i should sell for a screenplay

2007-08-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

before i forget...

so last night's medication-induced drama was actually quite entertaining!
it's already 9:30 am so i'll have to try hard to remember the pieces...

yesterday we spent the post-ct-scan recovery playing board games. i know you're not supposed to open wedding gifts before the wedding, but we really (really) couldn't help it. it was too tempting! so we spent the entire day on the warpath, with a glass or two of wine and the great game of risk. which definitely seeped into my dream!

goes as follows:
s and i were driving somewhere in the dark and pulled to the side of the road because we saw something in the bushes. upon pulling away the branches (i think my subconscience pulled this part out of the movie "children of men") we saw a small old-fashioned tv and a note that we could watch a movie for free. so we sat hidden in the branches watching a pretty long movie. there was an old house in the background and the lights were all off.

all of a sudden i came to the realization that nothing in life is free and we must be playing into some kind of a trap. s agreed and we turned around to see the lights in the house turned on, and two adolescent boys were approaching our car in the driveway. it was then daytime. we ran to the car and the boys walked a bit past us so that we were able to jump in and speed away (just in time). they chased after us on bikes, but our car was able to beat them (pretty good for a volvo!). we had forgotten something back on the road, so we drove back, hoping that they had gone home and forgotten about us.

cut to: (this is where the boardgame came in) watching a general strategize over the next moves his army is going to make in the war against a women who's face was very distinctive. i didn't recognize this face, but for some reason this army general wanted her destroyed so sent out men with bows and arrows to destroy her. all of a sudden the men were met with millions of this woman riding horses like the calvalry and they were equally matched. as they collided, one man crashed into one of these horse-riding women and they piled on top of each collision so that a great wall was formed. (hard to explain but i can still see it). she was somehow defeated and a man and his sidekick took her captive. the setting then switched to something i could picture out of "a handmaid's tale".

cut to: these two men driving this woman around and holding her captive for political control of a country. i'm pretty sure they killed her at one point but then there was a great event (such as a flood or something) that wiped out the entire population. she was then able to come back to life, and after the flood, every single person in the population looked identical to this woman. amidst clones, the man trying to kill her was unable to differentiate between her and all of the other people in the country. she then ran into a cornfield and somehow (as an observer) i realized that her shoes or something about her was distinctive and would give her away. the mean marched up and down the corn and she was barely able to stay hidden.

then she was found...a whole lot of chasing scenes ensued and one involving some sort of monster truck getaway....that's the best i can do. odd.

globe & mail

2007-08-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

ive added a link here to a recurrent comment section on the globe and mail.
since reporting the "new" research on the linkage of migraine and stroke in women, i found it again not surprising that many sufferers feel as hopeless as myself in the situation. it's astounding the number of people who share stories like mine...i just wish we were taken seriously at a political/r&d level.

this morning i felt one coming on. i feel congested in my sinuses and head-heavy though there's a lack of humidity and nothing but dry sunny weather. a strong coffee is holding it back, we'll see if she stays.

on a non-medical note: i am getting rediculously giddy and excited for our upcoming wedding. in the diluted hysteria that is now life, it seems to be the only thing that matters. we got the license the other day and instead of feeling nervous, i felt strengthened knowing it feels so right. so bring on the stress since in many ways we're stronger & happier than we've ever been.

on sleep patterns and stress...

2007-08-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

for the most part, i haven't suffered a single migraine since his diagnosis.
the amount of worry and love you pour into another person while they're sick leaves you no time to worry about yourself. it if anything marginalizes my pain. now i know how my parents must have felt when i was little and had migraines, leaving them helpless but worried. with huge medical burdens hanging over the two of us now, at times it's hard to keep perspective and make sense of any of it.

a few days ago with the rain-associated pressure change i had a light migraine (if there is such a thing) that went away after a few hours.

yesterday however was bad. i think it's a sleep-deprivation one from last weekend that i still have to pay for...that and waiting on my thesis draft to come back to me i'm so bored that i have the ability to oversleep. the number 1 thing you can't do and avoid a migraine. so yesterday i left the apt laden with my books i recently picked up from the library (one by david suzuki, a financial one, noam chomsky, something about marriage and some career book...all very random but by their own right interesting) and took off to bridgehead. i adore reading and it's all too sad that i'm usually too busy to, so it's great to have some time to indulge. it wasn't before long that it hit, and by the time i was on the bus home i felt pretty sick. i did the whole "maybe if i close my eyes, maybe if i focus on the horizon..." thing but the swervy bus that stopped on a dime at EVERY single stop (seriously 10 meters at a time all the way home) had me pretty sick. i crashed upon entering the place and when he got home i was unable to speak or move. pretty brutal yet just another day.

had some nightmare that he was scared of the diagnostics so i offered to lie down and demonstrate a mock-ct-scan only to find out i had breast cancer and needed surgery. people started drawing lines all over my body where they had to do the surgery (like nip/tuck) and i woke up fully appreciating how scary these medical tests and surgery can be. it's hard to put your life in someone else's hands. i just hope that i can be strong enough for both of us, amidst my own struggle with health. it's odd to have him rub my back and calm me down while im in pain when all i want to do is comfort him. more than ever i feel that together we can be tough anough to get through all of this, and am wholely glad we found each other.

we need to run away and have a secluded vacation where we cant be bothered by blinding head pain and probing medical tests. i wish sometimes we could run away from ourselves and be permitted to enjoy time together without constantly paying our 'tab' in suffering. maybe that's where the playing field gets evened...we get to be ecstatic every day of our lives together, but this is the price we pay? who knows...in any event i've never felt as though we're closer. so migraines and cancer can try all they want...im convinced we'll be fine. we have to be.

......................

2007-07-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

worst on in awhile last night
2 baths, 3 mugs lavender tea, 1 massage, 100mg imitrex, icepacks
and a whole lot of crying.

napping on the other side of the bed

2007-07-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

i'm rediculously tired today. i mean, im usually exhausted on a good day but today it's so much more. i can barely stay awake and it's only mid afternoon.

oh and before i forget, they've upped my amytrip 5 mg.

connection? you be the judge.
upon telling my neurologist that the meds make me tired i get this:

neurologist: "well are you so tired you're falling asleep in the middle of talking to someone?"
me: "like narcolepsy? no. but after a 9 hr sleep i come home mid-afternoon from work to nap"
neurologist: "i'd like to up your medication"
me: "but i'm telling you. i'm unable to function due to being exhausted because of it"
neurologist: "well how about we up it. how's that?"
me: (blank stare of disbelief)
neurologist: "now how about i see you in another 3 months"
me: "well i'm getting married and moving to toronto soon. i'll probably change doctors"
neurologist: "yep. so 3 months it is then. bye"

it's not my utter frustration and over-medicated dissatisfaction with life that gets to me, it's the fact that our tax money pays these bastards. in the event that they look up once from their diagnosis-in-a-box computer screen they may actually hear a word you're saying.

maybe it's too much to ask. alas, i nap.

a little break

2007-07-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

yesterday & today so far have been great pain-free days.
it's sometimes a blessing-in-disguise to live in chronic pain because when it's momentarily gone you feel so enriched with life.
i'm in the middle of 3 great books. i wish i could make a living reading.

a gorgeous day pain free

2007-07-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

i woke up sans migraine!
we met friends at the wild oat for a goodbye-tea for a friend who's doing a 1 month arctic cruise...then we spent another lazy afternoon in the market & are headed to another couple's house tonight for a summer bbq...
it's incredible when you can fully be present to enjoy a day!
i actually got the 'under your feet-tickle excitement' about today knowing i wouldn't get a migraine. woo hoo!

recent challenges & a little breakthrough

2007-07-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since i've noted any migraines...but my absence from the computer is in part due to how many i've been having lately. i can't remember all of them (since i've stopped writing them on the calendar) but there's a few that get honorable mentions:

-last weekend we went on our 5th camping trip this season (in part due to how we double wedding planning with camping to retain our sanity). sandbanks was completely full so we ended up at ferris. the park was isolated and we were hidden deep in the forest this time, complete with a raccoon staring us down before dinner. it was okay during the night (being the first warm night camping of the season) but when i woke up, i think i did something to my neck during the night which expressed itself in my head. i had one of the worst migraines of the year (which is pretty bad considering most of them are excruciating). i was unable to pack up, and seeing as we had meetings with vendors late that afternoon we had to get moving. i ended up locking myself in the backseat of the car to lay down since being passed out outside was leaving the mosquitos to have their way with me. i had a shower 1/2 dressed since i was passing out and had to drive 1/2 sleeping in the car while the imitrex took a good 4 hrs to kick in. our meetings went well afterall, we took it easy that afternoon, but all in all it was another one of those epic episodes to remember...

-this weekend is rough as well. i just thank god we have NOTHING going on for once. yesterday i had a rough one coming on, and following a 1 hr neck massage by my fiance (supportive in the best & worst of times) i took 2 baths and ended up in bed early with a beanbag heat pack around my neck. the pain from my neck & head combined was so bad that the pain was radiating down my shoulder, elbow and fingers for most of the night. i downed a huge amount of water, slathered on the peppermint stick and passed out. i was successful in staying of the meds. this morning i overslept a bit and it's been taking a tole on me ever since.

-today, happily with nothing to do, S and I went to the market. we got coffee/tea and he sketched as i read and just relaxed. we got rained out so just went to the fruit/veg market to get some things for dinner and have been really focussing on relaxing all afternoon. in my traditional medicine book i found some new approaches to migraine relief & got a chance to try a few since today the pain is pretty bad. i got a mixture of lavender, spearmint & rosemerry tea (to try tonight -- lavender indicated as a migraine relief aid) & am currently boiling whole cinnamon on low to calm down the environment around here. i've had a few minutes over the steam which has helped momentarily clear my head. i also found some concentrated ginger cubes which S and i sucked out outdoors (again, always a good sport) while walking around and my headache went away for a good 45 min! the ginger was strong and hard to tolerate, but the effects were surprisingly brilliant. i'm set to have another soak tonight, put on some comfy clothes, make some great dinner & focus on relieving my migraine through stress-relief & comfort. the great thing about being in pain almost every day is the opportunistic chance to experiment on yourself! i have to admit, the ginger felt like a breakthrough & if anything, cancelling all plans this weekend felt good for the soul.

oh yeah, and on friday i handed in the whole 1st draft of my thesis to my supervisor. as dad would say...through adversity to the stars.

canoe trip & then some

2007-06-25T11:53:00.001-07:00

so it's my birthday today and we went on a 3 day canoe trip last weekend to celebrate.
despite a few unexpected bumps in the road...things were great.
to save the drama, i'll simply note that i had a horrendous migraine both the 23rd & 24th and not being able to get out of the sun while paddling back to our original site was pretty testing.
my fiance fashioned an impromptu ice-pack from submerging the headband i was wearing into the lake water and putting it around my forehead. took it like a champ until about the last hour or so where we had to head back. you really just don't want to push these things too far...
at least the food was great & the friends we tripped with brought a water filration system so that i could drink plenty of water. thank god for great people.

next steps

2007-06-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

well i got in!
big decisions ahead & time to really talk about what's coming next....
couldn't be happier or more excited about finishing this step, starting the next & the upcoming fall wedding. sometimes the timing just works itself out...

thursday post bachelorette-party migraine

2007-06-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

meh, bad enough to warrant noting.
this one was my own fault though. we went out for a friend's bachelorette until around 2/3 am and all of the insanity definitely took its toll on my head the next morning.
i downed 100mg imi with coffee and went to bed for the day...

the recent nightmares

2007-06-13T11:28:00.001-07:00

the nightmare right before my interview involved me meeting the students & then having our car broken into in the parking lot. while driving home to 'change my clothes' i thought someone was in the trunk and had to drive right back. pretty strange one. luckily we made it back yesterday with full, unsmashed-in car in tow, sans person in the trunk.

countless ones recently about the wedding. one where the florist never shows, one without a dress, some without music...you name it and i've now had a nightmare where it's missing or goes wrong. i've heard this also happens in pregnancy where you can dream you've had the baby and you wake up still pregnant. one can only imagine how fun those ones are...

the waiting game

2007-06-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

interviewed tuesday for the nd program at the canadian college of naturopathic medicine
should know in about two weeks...
my rant on conventional medicine and how they undertreat migraine was something i'm personally quite proud of...

thorough research produces no answers...

2007-06-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

do we vaccinate our children? should we?

growing up in a very western-medicine innundated society i've always followed the heard (no pun intended on heard immunity) and gone along with what doctors suggested in immunization guidelines. this stopped two years ago when i stopped getting the flu shot for personal reasons following a very eye-opening set of virology lectures at the university.

i mean there's the obvious reasons (to me) why this would be a bad idea:

-failing to infect those overly susceptible to flu, are we not supporting the creation of a 'super strain' by immunizing those amongst our population that are young, healthy, and very much able to recover from flu thus not only satisfying the nature of the virus, but also allowing the natural production of longer lasting natural antibodies?
-with a quickly-mutating virus such as influenza, do we not realize that by preventing the infection of those able to handle it, we're imposing selection upon the virus to mutate in such a way as to overcome immunization & hit us harder than ever before (especially when we're overdue for a mass epidemic)?
-even when it comes to immunizing the immunosuppressed & elderly, how do we justify cost and adverse reactions when efficacy of the vaccine in these groups is around 30%.
-when it comes to life-threatening childhood illnesses (ie polio, mumps, rubella) i've always been in support of vaccination. however, new studies are surfacing over a potential correlation between sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) & the toxicity of the preservatives/vehicle of such vaccines.
-some now wait until children are older (seeing as breastfeeding alone protects newborns from illness for the first 6 months) & then choose to selectively vaccinate kids based on a case-by-case informed decision on risk vs. benefit.

what's anyone to believe? obviously having the best interests of our children at the forefront of healthcare, why is this issue such a hot topic of debate?

i can strongly say that i can make an educated decision concerning the flu shot. but in the meantime i'd be hard-pressed to have children of my own until i can figure this one out comfortably. it's hard to stand against public opinion and turn away from popular belief & hype, however it's surprisingly refreshing to think for yourself (especially in the interest of those you love most).

in short, i over-analyze everything. i guess this is just another one of those topics. at least i've come up with a weakness to address in my interview. following this recent frustration, i'm off for a run. nothing like physical exhaustion to clear your head...

speculation proclamation

2007-06-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

amidst the chaos of thesis writing, wedding planning & the next stage of my life (naturopathy interviews) i think to myself...wow, maybe my migraines are telling me to chill out.

but why would they have been doing that when i was a child throwing my toys around with no cares in the world?

and why have some of the worst ones hit while i was in the most relaxed state of mind possible?

is it the good stress/bad stress schtick where both forms attribute to the same physiological response?

maybe we can blame this all on the advent of the magic nursary doll who's diaper, once submerged in water, would tell you the gender of the child & it's name. all of which blew our MINDS as children.

yes...maybe that's where this all started. too many great toys.

before i forget: the recurrent dream trio

2007-06-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

a half-remembered account of the dream trilogy taunting & disrupting my sleep...

[no matter where i am, no matter how the 'dream(s)' start, there's always a "cue" where i see a familiar face, child, or house that lets me know i'm at the point of no return and am back in a nightmare...]

i'll attempt to give these names.

1. {bayou}: i'm literally 'in the bayou' and all of these kids are just running around yelling in a language i can't understand. i somehow know it's my duty to bring them all into this large trailor & attempt to shuffle them inside. it gets dark. i think everyone's inside so we start playing games in the 'basement'. i hear laughing upstairs and feel like some of the kids wandered away so i go upstairs to check. they see me coming and run down to be with the others & i somehow feel a frantic urge to shut off all the lights and lock the small screen door. i successfully turn off the upstairs lights and as i go to latch the weak door, there's a small girl's black silouette standing on the other side of the screen (that's my cue where i know it's this nightmare). i'm filled with sudden panic and try to lock the door as fast as i can. but no matter how much i try, the latch is broken or too weak to hold it. i tell the girl that it's bedtime, and she can come inside tomorrow but she just stands there not saying anything. she reaches for the door & i wake up screaming but never knowing why i'm so scared or who she is.

2. {away party}: i'm in a city but i don't know where. this one is confusing because it's always a different location/different social event. somehow or other i end up in this upper apartment building squeezing by people in the crowd and trying to do certain tasks. at the end of a pretty weird party where i recognize one or two of the faces (the cue) i walk home alone. i feel like there's some urgent need for me to get back so i run to my house. walking into a huge lobby & never being able to lock the front door (i have a feeling this is one of those things you're prevented from doing in a dream state), i run downstairs. i realize that the basement is the exact layout of where i used to live in my parent's basement in germany (another cue). all of a sudden i hear footsteps in the hall upstairs. all of the lights shut out in the basement and i'm left feeling around on the floor for the cord of a lightswitch. a fax machine starts going off in the corner of the room and i'm meant to feel as if it's an urgent message telling me who's upstairs. i find a cord and reach along it trying to feel for the switch, but before i can hit the switch or reach the message, the door bursts open and i wake up screaming.

3. {writing on the wall}: i'm asleep in my bed in my parent's basement in belleville, where we lived during my dad's last military posting. i wake up, go upstairs and see my mom standing at the coffee machine (the cue). everything is normal, and everything is in the exact same place as it would be in real life. she turns around and says something that i can't hear. all of the lights then shut off and i look down into the sunken living room to see chalk-like blacklit writing on the walls. it starts off in really huge letters and decreases size as it winds around the walls and eventually ends under the living room chair. as i'm about to stick my head under the chair to read the final statement, my mom descends the staircase with fabian, a german guy i met while we were overseas & the first boyfriend i ever had. the two of them never really got along well, so it's strange to see them in the dream stomping down the stairs while holding hands. they're both staring at me without saying a word and are getting closer. there's a sick feeling of urgency for me to decode this message while they're approaching. i then wake up by sitting straight up in my bed. by this point i think to myself 'whew it was just a nightmare'. i walk upstairs, hoping to tell someone about it and see my mom at the coffee machine. the whole thing starts again.

that's enough from me for now. my eyes are watering at the remembrance of these & i'm still so tired.

tired. always tired, getting worse.

2007-06-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

jun.5: more tired today and the last couple of days than i have been in a long time. i think the weekend episode really burnt me out. can't drink more than one cup of coffee anymore to stay awake...getting migraines & nightmares. plan for the day....chill out around the apartment, play some good music, and chip away at my thesis whether conscious or in lucid dreams...

another 2-days of pain

2007-06-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

so yesterday (jun1) and today have been rediculous.

i think coffee yesterday morning and the impending thunder storm tonight led to a caffeine imposed/pressure-induced strike.

started yesterday around noon while at a co-worker's going-away lunch, came home, started the ice/bath routine, led to 100mg imitrex & bed. crawled out around midnight and fiance drove me to get oranges, as they sometimes help. a tad weird, but interesting.

back to bed last night around 1, woke up around 3am from the pain (imitrex didn't hold it down for very long...maybe 3 hrs this time). stumbled to bathroom at 3:30 after tossing and turning. felt for imitrex, downed another 100mg with handfuls of water. took ice back to bed. up at 8am, called friend & cancelled our yoga session we were going to do to raise money for cancer research (would have been fun), back to bed until 2pm.

got up, ate eggs/toast/cereal fiance had made, drove outside for coffee (as it sometimes helps), more ice, another bath, got dressed. headache throughout, although now dull...trying to focus on thesis writing & getting enough energy for friend & her husband's bbq tonight. bringing fruit juice, no drinking...def. NO drinking.

got an interview for naturopathic med school yesterday amongst a migraine. it's only too ironic.

ode to my future mother-in-law (the latest agonist for instant migraines)

2007-05-31T11:53:00.001-07:00

(hidden & saved as draft to prevent controversy, yet to freely allow my personal venting and analysis of the situation - so as to ease my insurmountable frustration with the issue)

exhausted

2007-05-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

yesterday was brutal. i'm finding recently that with the current meds i need 9-10 hours of sleep a night, and a 1-2 hour nap when i get home from the lab. pretty insane if you ask me. i've always been one of those people that can go all day without stopping, and this is a pretty crazy transition to make.

i was rediculously tired at work, even though i had slept longer than usual the night before. i also accidentally skipped morning coffee (nts: never skip coffee). i almost went home around 2pm to sleep, but then felt like a total loser so pushed my body to do way more than it should have. after getting home around 5 or 6 & having to make dinner, i was toast by about 7:30 and had to go to bed. of course, with a migraine.

my fiance (thank god for him) brought me ice & tea which really helped...i was out like a light by 830/9 ish and slept until 8 am this morning. sometimes i think it must really suck to live with me, other times i think about how much of a super hero i would feel like if my partner couldn't stay awake longer than a few hours.

acupuncture works

2007-05-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

after getting a migraine nearly every 2 or 3 days of my current life, my experience with traditional chinese acupuncture lasted a few months and worked miraculously.

as a skeptic i was convinced when the undeniable relief of 2 months migraine free resulted from my treatment. it was painful & scary, but you can't argue efficacy.

i've found nothing but support since for acupuncture in migraine. the results are always rolling in with people having similar experiences.

i ran out my income tax return last year almost to $1000 on treatments. sadly, since migraine drugs are covered and not their natural MORE EFFECTIVE counterparts, i'm now left drug-dependent and financially unable to treat my body with the respect & pain relief i've found.

but that's what the pharmaceutical companies, hospitals, and government want, right?

typical

2007-05-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

This may not be very coherent as I'm trying to wean myself off of meds & am currently in a lot of pain. I felt one coming on this morning that got pretty bad around lunch. Right side of my head and behind the eye. I met up with my soon-to-be-husband as he had an appointment at the hospital this afternoon & i wanted to be there to support him. we met at the same time actually almost walking straight into each other & he could immediately tell by kissing the top of my head that it was warm & i had another migraine. we ended up in an ackward situation in the waiting room where i was attempting to calm his nerves and he was attempting to soothe my migraine. in any event now i'm home...did the hot bath/ice packs thing....slept for 4 hours, woke up shaking from pain. now with green tea & mint & ice...trying to catch up with more applications and work stuff before the weekend. however, this probably isn't going to go to well since computer screens are the bane of my existance. alas, i've yet to turn to the drugs! you've gotta stay strong to fight the pharmaceutical bail out.

before i forget

2007-05-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

after just throwing my coffee into the elevator by trying to carry too many things this morning, i need to get a few incidents down before i 'completely' lose my mind.

migraine: last week of april & may 1st

may 1st was due to an incredible (but on my behalf slightly overdone) trip with my friend where i woke up already sick from drinking the night before (you're not supposed to drink on the current meds), and then upon taking imitrex (with the increased head-stomach sensitivity) promptly ran off a bus with her to the closest stop & was sick. i'll leave it at that. mildly humiliating, now referred by us as "the incident" we shall never speak of this again. yet another fun event in living with migraines.

i live in fear over what the bachelorette will bring.

thesis writing + migraines = doing pilates all day > lying around in pain

2007-04-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

so i tried for the first time to "write at home"...well i guess it's time to give my fiance props for writing his entire thesis at our place, while also working full time. i can't CANT focus at home. i left the lab thinking that all i do here is spend time online etc (let it be proof that me even writing this is also procrastination) & that i'd work at home. right.

well...whether it was the procrastination or the weight of the thesis itself on my mind, it wasn't long before the migraine hit. so instead of feeling sorry for myself, i looked to a set of pilates dvds for advice. an hour and a half later i realized what i had done and that exercise (as always proven to me through attempts of the past) is a bad idea when you have a migraine. it makes my head angry. i know that sounds funny but it's true. i swear my head was about to explode or implode or pretty much anything -plode related.

needless to say i awoke this morning to a body i couldn't lift from my own bed, another migraine, many new demands from my supposed "abs, buns & thighs of steel". ah natalie what have you done...

bad end to a great day

2007-04-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

well the sun is out... which feels amazing. spent a day out with friends on a patio, for a walk around parliament and out to a little island...really nice to get some sun. except the first day of the bright sun took a toll on my head. on the drive back to our place i started feeling it hit (on both sides...a bit different). by the time we made it back i was out. i've been feeling much sicker lately when i get a migraine...like the current meds somehow amplified the connection between my head and my stomach...it's hard to do much else than take a bath and go to bed with more icepacks...etc. ah well. i woke up okay this morning so we'll see how long this continues.

day 2 & day 3

2007-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was a fun experience to say the least. i woke up with a clear head only to have a good morning at work followed by the onslaught of pain. i was stuck at work, again with no meds (how many times before i figure out to have them on me at all time) and it was becoming unbearable. i walked around with a brick of ice on my head for about an hour before another grad student reminded me that my thesis proposal was due about a day ago. so i feverishly worked to hand it in, caught a bus half alive and almost got sick on the one past elmvale. by the time i had reached my door i was having hot and cold flashes and couldn't stand up anymore. i'm out of zomig so i down about 100mg of imitrex and called it a day. otherwise known as 'day two' of being unable to do work that i really need to get done because my head is out of commission. two baths later i was asleep.

day three has been interesting. i woke up and promptly forgot to take the cocktail they've prescribed to me. the right side of my head and neck feel bruised from pain but i've been on and off all day. i was in and out of pain while my supervisor was dragging me at great lengths through his selection of wording and font sizes on a ppt presentation this morning. after lunch i could feel it coming back full force and had a coworker drive me home just in time to fall victim to pills again & more icepacks and sleep. here we are, mid battle ground of day 3.

the amitryptiline has increased my nausea & i'm increasingly sensitive these days to light, sound and smell. jolting on the bus rides home, the digging of the broken bell on the bus and the slamming of the doors all have me at their mercy. gotta love living in the city.

worst one in awhile

2007-04-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

well you really do forget how amazing life feels without migraine until you recover from another one. last night i started feeling one coming on on my way to the neurologist (who by the way could only recommend to me to up my medication, which i'm pretty reluctant to do). he also said something along the lines that 'if i exercised i wouldn't get migraines'...right like the throbbing pain that accompanied my 1/2 marathon "stint" last year wasn't evidence enough that i'm not just a lazy idiot that makes myself sick due to inactivity. sorry, a little bit of bitterness there. so then i meet my friend for dinner but get to the mall 2 hours too early...so i'm walking with my head to the ground dragging my feet around the mall wondering how to keep myself pre-occupied amongst squealing teenagers and their incessently loud musical cell phones for 2 hours. right. so it hits pretty hard by that point and i realize by 1/2 accident that every time i sip an icecap (from tim hortons) that my headache feels momentarily dead and cooled. so i find a book at chapters about 20-something quarterlife crisis management and sit there equipped with a large icecap (due to not having meds on me), 1/2 crying, 1/2 laughing at the situation. time passes and i find a way to drag myself to where i was supposed to meet my friend. we go to a dim lit place and i managed to drink some water and have a few bites of a pretty bad ceasar salad before we leave. i left an 'SOS' message on our answering machine for steve to come rescue me from this chaos as soon as he got back from work. so not knowing whether he'd come or not, i propped myself up on a planter outside the mall (mall was overheated, outside was freezing...i took the better option of the two) and it wasn't 10 minutes before my other half was at my side dragging me into the car. thank god for stephen. he was pretty worried since by that point i was pretty white...i ended up passing out on the carride home and put myself to bed pretty quickly. steve then went out and got one of those face masks that you can freeze for your eyes and brought it to me with some meds while i was 1/2 asleep in bed on a solid iceblock. he sat beside me and read to me for a bit and we called it a night. i woke up this morning relieved and able to think clearly and downed the first of the iron/b12/vitD/vitC combo to feel pretty good now...i'm able to work here this morning & am more confident than ever that i'm marrying not only the right guy, but one that's been with me through my daily battles. it's not until you're passing out on a street corner that you realize how important your support team really is. even paleah (the friend i met up with) brought me computer printouts of potential jobs involving both migraine research and international medicine to help out with my job direction. lesson of the day: build and lean on your support team.

the new prescription line-up for april

2007-04-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

results of the last blood test show that i'm quote "severly deficient" in b12, iron, and vitamin d.

i'm off to the neurologist today at 3...should be fun.

ah medicine-induced nightmares

2007-04-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

1. amittyville horror. i have never seen the movie but for some reason my first nightmare of 3 that occurred on april 5th was "called" amittyville horror. i walk into a house that's older but an exact replica of the house we lived in in germany. the walls are covered in blood and scratches and a man in what appeared to be a dark cape with silver foil triangle eyes starts slaying everyone in the house. it was like the "animals can sense your fear" situation where he'd only "see" you and slay you if he could tell you were afraid of death. it even went so far as to brutally murder children who trusted him enough to get close so he could "tell them his secrets". probably one of the goriest horrible dreams of the night and although i woke up several times, every time i closed them again, i re-entered the terror.

2. this was followed by a nightmare that happened in a church of all places. steve and i were sitting on a ledge that overlooked the rest of the church where i was all of a sudden filled with anxiety over what was about to happen. we then were all led out to a tent in a field where those who came before us were sacrificed and made into food. we waited until dark and were told to go into this circus-looking tent to gather as much food as we could. as soon as we walked in, these scary looking human/animals stormed in and discovered us and started killing everyone. then i woke up...only to have nightmare #3.

3. a 'thug' looking guy was walking back from elmvale (the mall close to where steve & i live) as i was walking towards blockbuster one night. as soon as i got inside, a gang appeared and started shooting everyone in the store. i ran into the backroom and got inside a sort of combination-locked safe until the police showed up. when the police came in the back however, the gang had fled with the child i was with, and the police thought it had been me that shot everyone. they then started trying to kill me as well as everyone else in the backroom that worked in blockbuster. then i woke up, told steve my 3 scenarios from the night (at around 6 am) and tried to sleep for another 2 hours until morning. every time from then on that i closed my eyes there were stranger and stranger situations. the longest was probably a dream that lasted around 10 min real time where laura (my sister) and i were on a boat that was sinking in the ocean and we had a man time us to finish a 'challenge' that required us going through underground museums and what not or else he'd catch us and kill us.

just another day in the life...

April 5th, 2007

2007-04-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

okay i'm definately addicted to coffee...i kept it to two today but i find my hands shaking uncontrollably today (and lately) which isn't good. i'm anxious too lately but that's probably an effect of the amitryptiline etc...which also knocks me out. i went to bed at around 10:20 pm last night and didn't get up until 8 so i'm definately not the same girl that used to feel fine after 2 hours of sleep throughout my undergrad. i'm in the lab for about 11 hours today trying to wrap things up and ask for permission to write my thesis on the 17th...stress and anxiety mixed with overworking definately dont fair well with migraines. we'll see how it goes. at least easter will be a nice break this weekend...however we're going up to my fiance's parents place for a few days and sleeping in a place that's not my own (mixed with the fear of not being a good guest) leads to migraines as well. he really needs to take me to a spa or something...or away for a weekend. c'est la vie...

april 4th, 2007

2007-04-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

i've been surprisingly good the last few days. amidst stress from the lab, sleep deprivation, sugar overload and a rediculously low amount of iron, i've been feeling better. could be due to the fact that i'm now averaging 3 coffees a day. it's when you stop the coffee that it gets bad (which is why upping your consumption is a dangerous game if you're ever thinking about cutting back)...anyways life's great when you can think clearly and aren't doubled over blind in pain. life is great...

choose your poison

2007-03-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

migraines affect individuals in very distinct & different ways...this is not meant to be inclusive of the feelings of everyone, just my observations & notes on what i've personally tried for relief.

what "works": (and by works i mean delays the occurance of pain or reduces pain during attack)

imitrex (although slow acting, quickly recurrent migraines & 'rebound' headaches when you cease imitrex for only a few hours/days)
ice packs on the head & neck while in a hot bath
'cool headed' essential oil on the temples (a mix of mint & eucalyptus, avail. at fruits and passions. although it sounds cheesy it opens up your airways and helps)
acupuncture (traditional chinese, not the kind your physio guy claims he can do with western medicine)
amitriptyline 20mg - seems to be doing okay so far, but contraindicated with cocurrent imitrex or other triptan use due to the danger of 'seratonin syndrome'

what doesn't (and some rediculous things people have made me do):

feeling sorry for yourself
topomax
beta blockers (i've tried both propranolol & metoprolol) - these have actually now been published as ineffective migraine prophylactics
zomig
staying away from the 'danger foods' (aged cheese, red wine, chocolate)
reducing stress
exercise
changes in the weather
chiropractic
osteopathic cranial-sacral adjustments
imitrex nasal spray
pulling the adult teeth down from your upper palette because your crack dentist assumes that's putting pressure on your brain
getting xrays of your skull to be told that your head sits to far forward
naproxin
exedrin migraine
tylenol
advil (including the one they market for "migraine")
combining your meds taken with alka-seltzer (as a form of a liquid NSAID) to 'jump start' your other meds into action (the citrony taste almost made me puke just from drinking it)
maxalt
axert (they go but then come back)
ginger
codeine-containing drugs
some weird over-the-counter migraine pills i got while in england

natalie, sponsored by imitrex

2007-03-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

Current meds as of 30/03/07:
Imitrex oral tabs 100 mg (recommended dose of 25 mg - to be upped as deemed necessary)
ZomigRapimelt sublingual tabs 2.5 mg (for those times when the $25/pill of imitrex get you down and the doctor hands you samples of other triptan drugs to tide you over)
Amitriptyline tabs 20 mg (daily x2 before bed as a prophylactic)
B12 (monthly injections)
Iron (taken as a daily supplement)
BioMag (Magnesium formula thought to be involved in blood vessel tone)

word to the wise

2007-03-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

i met someone at the last conference i attended in banff recently who sounded like she was living my life, only 3 steps ahead of me. i said i had a 'migraine' at the table, and upon hearing 'i get migraines too' i looked up to give her the "do you REALLY have them, or are you one of these people who gets a tylenol-cured-headache and yells it from the rooftops" once-over. well low and behold, she had it tougher than i do. she was on a cocktail of imitrex, amitriptyline, and the pill a few years ago when out of nowhere she woke from bed one night, looked in the mirror and noticed her face was drooping on one side. she woke her husband who she instructed to drive her to the ER since she could feel this was like something she'd never experienced before. she was young 20's at the time and ended up having a stroke. years of recovery, and re-learning how to both speak and walk followed. now she's restricted to gravol and demerol injections and is covered with injection-related bruises. scary thing is the demerol has stopped having an effect due to her constant use of the drug. she met an astounding number of young 20-something yr old women in rehab who were recovering from similar incidents of migraine-related stroke. on a 'doctors who prescribe the pill to women with migraine should lose their liscence' caution, i immediately edited my medication regime. with a higher incidence and risk of blot clot formation on drugs such as these, any constriction of blood vessels in your brain (let alone on the optic nerve associated with migraine-related aura) are made prone to the effects of these clots restricting blood flow to areas of the brain and the following occurance of stroke. migraineurs will know that the common drug 'formula' for which to 'manage' your migraines is composed of both a drug taken upon the occurance of the headache, and a daily med taken for migraine prophylaxis. She's now on topirimate (topomax) for daily prevention having stopped amitriptyline, I've just been switched to amitriptyline after being frustrated with the 'forgetting words and feeling slow' side effects of a very ineffective topomax (at least for me). Having switched our two drugs we found great comfort in knowing you're never alone in the insanity. She advised me as to the drowsiness of amitriptyline (often feeling like a walking zombie during the day due to it's sedative effects). Let this serve (as it did for me) as an eye-opening word to the wise for women with migraine on the pill. You're not just a stat in a medication product monograph. It CAN happen to you. However, for most it's not real until you see the face of a woman who it happened to. And her husband re-telling the tale of how he felt when he feared she may die or never walk again in the hospital. The best you can do in a world where doctors shrug off migraines, is to be an informed patient & make your health your own responsibility. Do benefit vs. risk analysis and ask yourself often if your meds could be stopping a headache by inadvertently posing a danger to your very existance.

and it begins...

2007-03-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

as i sit here amidst years of 1/2 written personal migraine 'diaries', i realize that the tactic prescribed to me by many confused neurologists in my past is rediculously ineffective. to scrawl '3 day migraine' repeatedly on scraps of old paper and loblaws receipts only to combine these into said 'diary' accomplishes far less than anyone would think. maybe one day i'll open a museum where people can come and read the entries for their own amusement. maybe i'll be buried with it...or maybe the point is that since everyone is so sick of hearing 'my head hurts' at work, that the diary is supposed to be the friend that always listens when you have to vent. in any event, it's pointless and once again, i'm frustrated.

i therefore propose an improved solution to the problem. now i'm not a neurologist by any means but i feel that my 'life experience' living in this hell pretty much gets me the job. instead of living alone with this disorder, i propose to lay the groundwork here for something with a great deal of potential power. a kind of migraine 'self-help' if you will. my journals are no longer left unpublished. i'll compose my "day-in-the-life" stories in attempts to give support to others out there who understand, and to perhaps receive support in return. i'll link out to current research being conducted on this condition through the World Headache Alliance & the World Heath Organization's "lifting the burden" global campaign to reduce the burden of headache. read what you want, say what you can, but find solace in this: on the days where you feel that all is lost, you are not alone.