thesis writing + migraines = doing pilates all day > lying around in pain

so i tried for the first time to "write at home"...well i guess it's time to give my fiance props for writing his entire thesis at our place, while also working full time. i can't CANT focus at home. i left the lab thinking that all i do here is spend time online etc (let it be proof that me even writing this is also procrastination) & that i'd work at home. right.

well...whether it was the procrastination or the weight of the thesis itself on my mind, it wasn't long before the migraine hit. so instead of feeling sorry for myself, i looked to a set of pilates dvds for advice. an hour and a half later i realized what i had done and that exercise (as always proven to me through attempts of the past) is a bad idea when you have a migraine. it makes my head angry. i know that sounds funny but it's true. i swear my head was about to explode or implode or pretty much anything -plode related.

needless to say i awoke this morning to a body i couldn't lift from my own bed, another migraine, many new demands from my supposed "abs, buns & thighs of steel". ah natalie what have you done...

bad end to a great day

well the sun is out... which feels amazing. spent a day out with friends on a patio, for a walk around parliament and out to a little island...really nice to get some sun. except the first day of the bright sun took a toll on my head. on the drive back to our place i started feeling it hit (on both sides...a bit different). by the time we made it back i was out. i've been feeling much sicker lately when i get a migraine...like the current meds somehow amplified the connection between my head and my stomach...it's hard to do much else than take a bath and go to bed with more icepacks...etc. ah well. i woke up okay this morning so we'll see how long this continues.

day 2 & day 3

so yesterday was a fun experience to say the least. i woke up with a clear head only to have a good morning at work followed by the onslaught of pain. i was stuck at work, again with no meds (how many times before i figure out to have them on me at all time) and it was becoming unbearable. i walked around with a brick of ice on my head for about an hour before another grad student reminded me that my thesis proposal was due about a day ago. so i feverishly worked to hand it in, caught a bus half alive and almost got sick on the one past elmvale. by the time i had reached my door i was having hot and cold flashes and couldn't stand up anymore. i'm out of zomig so i down about 100mg of imitrex and called it a day. otherwise known as 'day two' of being unable to do work that i really need to get done because my head is out of commission. two baths later i was asleep.

day three has been interesting. i woke up and promptly forgot to take the cocktail they've prescribed to me. the right side of my head and neck feel bruised from pain but i've been on and off all day. i was in and out of pain while my supervisor was dragging me at great lengths through his selection of wording and font sizes on a ppt presentation this morning. after lunch i could feel it coming back full force and had a coworker drive me home just in time to fall victim to pills again & more icepacks and sleep. here we are, mid battle ground of day 3.

the amitryptiline has increased my nausea & i'm increasingly sensitive these days to light, sound and smell. jolting on the bus rides home, the digging of the broken bell on the bus and the slamming of the doors all have me at their mercy. gotta love living in the city.

worst one in awhile

well you really do forget how amazing life feels without migraine until you recover from another one. last night i started feeling one coming on on my way to the neurologist (who by the way could only recommend to me to up my medication, which i'm pretty reluctant to do). he also said something along the lines that 'if i exercised i wouldn't get migraines'...right like the throbbing pain that accompanied my 1/2 marathon "stint" last year wasn't evidence enough that i'm not just a lazy idiot that makes myself sick due to inactivity. sorry, a little bit of bitterness there. so then i meet my friend for dinner but get to the mall 2 hours too early...so i'm walking with my head to the ground dragging my feet around the mall wondering how to keep myself pre-occupied amongst squealing teenagers and their incessently loud musical cell phones for 2 hours. right. so it hits pretty hard by that point and i realize by 1/2 accident that every time i sip an icecap (from tim hortons) that my headache feels momentarily dead and cooled. so i find a book at chapters about 20-something quarterlife crisis management and sit there equipped with a large icecap (due to not having meds on me), 1/2 crying, 1/2 laughing at the situation. time passes and i find a way to drag myself to where i was supposed to meet my friend. we go to a dim lit place and i managed to drink some water and have a few bites of a pretty bad ceasar salad before we leave. i left an 'SOS' message on our answering machine for steve to come rescue me from this chaos as soon as he got back from work. so not knowing whether he'd come or not, i propped myself up on a planter outside the mall (mall was overheated, outside was freezing...i took the better option of the two) and it wasn't 10 minutes before my other half was at my side dragging me into the car. thank god for stephen. he was pretty worried since by that point i was pretty white...i ended up passing out on the carride home and put myself to bed pretty quickly. steve then went out and got one of those face masks that you can freeze for your eyes and brought it to me with some meds while i was 1/2 asleep in bed on a solid iceblock. he sat beside me and read to me for a bit and we called it a night. i woke up this morning relieved and able to think clearly and downed the first of the iron/b12/vitD/vitC combo to feel pretty good now...i'm able to work here this morning & am more confident than ever that i'm marrying not only the right guy, but one that's been with me through my daily battles. it's not until you're passing out on a street corner that you realize how important your support team really is. even paleah (the friend i met up with) brought me computer printouts of potential jobs involving both migraine research and international medicine to help out with my job direction. lesson of the day: build and lean on your support team.

the new prescription line-up for april

results of the last blood test show that i'm quote "severly deficient" in b12, iron, and vitamin d.

i'm off to the neurologist today at 3...should be fun.

ah medicine-induced nightmares

1. amittyville horror. i have never seen the movie but for some reason my first nightmare of 3 that occurred on april 5th was "called" amittyville horror. i walk into a house that's older but an exact replica of the house we lived in in germany. the walls are covered in blood and scratches and a man in what appeared to be a dark cape with silver foil triangle eyes starts slaying everyone in the house. it was like the "animals can sense your fear" situation where he'd only "see" you and slay you if he could tell you were afraid of death. it even went so far as to brutally murder children who trusted him enough to get close so he could "tell them his secrets". probably one of the goriest horrible dreams of the night and although i woke up several times, every time i closed them again, i re-entered the terror.

2. this was followed by a nightmare that happened in a church of all places. steve and i were sitting on a ledge that overlooked the rest of the church where i was all of a sudden filled with anxiety over what was about to happen. we then were all led out to a tent in a field where those who came before us were sacrificed and made into food. we waited until dark and were told to go into this circus-looking tent to gather as much food as we could. as soon as we walked in, these scary looking human/animals stormed in and discovered us and started killing everyone. then i woke up...only to have nightmare #3.

3. a 'thug' looking guy was walking back from elmvale (the mall close to where steve & i live) as i was walking towards blockbuster one night. as soon as i got inside, a gang appeared and started shooting everyone in the store. i ran into the backroom and got inside a sort of combination-locked safe until the police showed up. when the police came in the back however, the gang had fled with the child i was with, and the police thought it had been me that shot everyone. they then started trying to kill me as well as everyone else in the backroom that worked in blockbuster. then i woke up, told steve my 3 scenarios from the night (at around 6 am) and tried to sleep for another 2 hours until morning. every time from then on that i closed my eyes there were stranger and stranger situations. the longest was probably a dream that lasted around 10 min real time where laura (my sister) and i were on a boat that was sinking in the ocean and we had a man time us to finish a 'challenge' that required us going through underground museums and what not or else he'd catch us and kill us.

just another day in the life...

April 5th, 2007

okay i'm definately addicted to coffee...i kept it to two today but i find my hands shaking uncontrollably today (and lately) which isn't good. i'm anxious too lately but that's probably an effect of the amitryptiline etc...which also knocks me out. i went to bed at around 10:20 pm last night and didn't get up until 8 so i'm definately not the same girl that used to feel fine after 2 hours of sleep throughout my undergrad. i'm in the lab for about 11 hours today trying to wrap things up and ask for permission to write my thesis on the 17th...stress and anxiety mixed with overworking definately dont fair well with migraines. we'll see how it goes. at least easter will be a nice break this weekend...however we're going up to my fiance's parents place for a few days and sleeping in a place that's not my own (mixed with the fear of not being a good guest) leads to migraines as well. he really needs to take me to a spa or something...or away for a weekend. c'est la vie...

april 4th, 2007

i've been surprisingly good the last few days. amidst stress from the lab, sleep deprivation, sugar overload and a rediculously low amount of iron, i've been feeling better. could be due to the fact that i'm now averaging 3 coffees a day. it's when you stop the coffee that it gets bad (which is why upping your consumption is a dangerous game if you're ever thinking about cutting back)...anyways life's great when you can think clearly and aren't doubled over blind in pain. life is great...